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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Get A Life of Your Own-Don't Borrow His

You are a whole, complete, fully assembled human being. All of your parts work-or you've learned to live with the ones that don't! Neither the man you love nor your relationship with him, give you an identity. You already have one. It has your name on it.
A loving relationship with a man should never mean you give up your unique personality. Who you are (and how you are) are much too important to let that happen. It's nice if he know this; it's vital that you do. Loving him doesn't mean losing you.
Think about it. What we all want out of love is to be fully known (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and fully accepted. Careful. Don't seek the rewards of approval and miss the rewards of love. Refuse to say, do or even think anything that is motivated solely by approval-seeking.
Imagine the Queen of Sheba abandoning her vast kingdom, or Nefertiti giving up her regal bearinhg, Harriet Tubman disposing of her courage, or Mary McLeod Bethune hiding her brilliance. How about Maya Angelou putting down her pen. That's not love at all, it's suicide! The women who love men are daughters of these "she-roes." Who you are is too much to lose.

  • lose touch with your own opinions, perspectives, and convictions. Declare them.

  • hold your unique personality hostage. Display it.

  • abandon your vision, goals, dreams. Pursue them.

Fear may tempt you to believe that unity and uniformity are synonymous. They are not. Uniformity is a unity counterfeit that requires one of you to forfeit your uniqueness in order to become acceptably similar to the other person.

Unity is the miracle of two very different individuals with dissimilar backgrounds, tastes, experiences, and personalities choosing to commune together. Two who not only accept their uniqueness, but celebrate it.

The man you love gains little when he has you, but not the things that make you, you. Love him enough to love yourself enough to be the best of who you are. Boldly offer your lover what you have already given a stamp of approval to-you.

Say it: "I am who I am. I don't have to be what I perceive he would approve of. That is a double-edged insult. Neither of us profits anything if I give up my life to gain his love."

Do it: Ask your most trusted and truthful sister-friends if they notice you being "less you" when you are with him, compared to when you are with them. Find out what parts of your speech, style, intellect, interest, or abilities have been safely locked away from his sight. Liberated them. If you've taken on his identity, or one he has fashioned for you-stop now. Return what you've borrowed of his. Get you life back!

Dr.Ronn Elmore


Anonymous said...

Its unfortunate but people do this, especially when you are trying so much to impress the other person.

I pray we all get to that place where we can understand that i dont have to lose me while loving you

Sassy Trends said...

Nice blog wondering why I'm just getting to see this...


Lady A said...

@Naijagirl, especially after marriage.It's easy to get caught up in his affairs. This was a great reminder.
@Sassy Trends, lol, it's cool. Now you know.

StandTall-The Activist said...

This makes a lot of sense and it's what we need to do to be ourselves either in marriage or not.

I love this piece!

Lady A said...

@StandTall, EXACTLY! Glad you enjoyed it!