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Thursday, May 28, 2009

How A Man's Friends Can Make Or Break His Marriage

Life is one series of choices after the next. We all have within ourselves the free will to make choices that are good for what we want out of life and we have the free will to make choices that can hurt what we want out of life.
If we determine that we want our marriage to be one of partnership and to be the best it can be, we have to make the choices that will help that to happen. And when it comes to how we handle our friendships, the same “rule” applies.

Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just hanging out with the boys after a game. It’s fine just throwing the ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, and then going home. For many that’s enough; that’s what friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.” (Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

It’s true what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33:

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning: for there are some who are ignorant of God — I say this to your shame.”
You can’t play with “fire” in going places and doing things with friends that can hurt your marriage and not expect for it to “burn” your marriage so it is severely damaged. If you have friendships that hurt your marriage, then you need to pull back from them, as difficult as that may seem. It’s the same principle as “cutting off the hand that causes you to sin.”

One is a temporary hurt, and yet it eventually leads to a better end; and one leads to having you continually hurt your marriage which can cause it to break under the pressure.
Years ago I had a friend that enjoyed smoking. And that was fine for that friend. But when she kept trying to get me to smoke, and I determined in my mind that I didn’t want to end up a smoker, I had a choice to make. I could either keep up my friendship with this person and eventually become a smoker (because she wouldn’t stop pushing the cigarettes at me and I knew I would eventually give in to appease her) or I would cut off our friendship and find another friend.

As difficult as it was to cut off the friendship, I’m now glad I made that choice (especially as I see other friends who are struggling to try to quit smoking).
If you have a friendship that is hurting your marriage, you have a choice to make. Is this friendship more important to you than your spouse and is the vow you made when you married less important than your friendship, or what?

Sometimes we have friendships that are good for us “for a season” but then it’s time to move on from there because they just aren’t working anymore. A friendship is different than a marriage. With a marriage, you entered into covenant with your spouse and also with God. To leave that marriage for the sake of an outside friendship (no matter how strong the friendship bond was at one time), you are breaking a solemn vow. You need to realize that.
author unknown

Monday, May 25, 2009

God's Handmaidens

For single men and women

Some of you do not understand the benefits of being single. In reality, while you're not married, you really out to be involved with God. Single women often forget some very important advantages they have. At five o'clock in the morning you can lie in bed and pray in the spirit until seven-thirty. You can lie prostrate on the floor and worship the Lord without having to answer to anyone. This time in your life is for you to charge up the battery cells. It's time to pamper-time to take luxurious baths in milk and honey. You can lie there in the bath , praising and worshiping the Lord for as long as you want.

Before you ask the Lord for another man, take care of Him. If you are not ministering to His needs, and yet you are always before Him asking Him to send you one of His princes to minister to, your prayers are not being heard because you are not being faithful to Him. When you become faithful in your singleness, then you will be better prepared to be faithful with a husband.

If you disregard the perfect husband, Jesus, you will certainly disregard the rest of us. The Lord wants you to come home at the end of a day and say, "Lord, I went through so much today. I am so glad You're here. I just couldn't wait to get alone and worship You and praise You and magnify You. Tonight is our night. I'm not so busy that I don't have time for You." If you don't have time for God, you don't have time for a husband.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. Simply take care of the Lord while you're waiting. Minister to Him. Let Him heal you and loose you, and worship Him. Single women ought to be the most consecrated women in the church. you are the ones whose shadows ought to fall on people and they be healed. You are in a position and posture of prayer. The Lord has become your necessary food. While some married women are dependent on their husbands, single women learn to be dependent on the Lord. God told Joel, "...and on My maidservants I will pour out My Spirit" (Joel 2:29).

There is a special relationship between God and the single believer. God has a special anointing for the woman who is free to seek Him. Her prayer life should explode in miracles!


Friday, May 22, 2009

Dating A Married Man

Are you dating a married man, or just tempted to? And while wer’re on the subject, do you even know the signs you’re dating a married man? Tessa, a single Christian woman who was dating a married man, and lived to tell the whole sad story:
I found your web site while searching for healing. I fell in love with a man I knew (and previously dated) in high school. I had broken up with him 25 yrs ago b/c he cheated on me (I could never prove it, but I knew in my heart) and lied a lot. So….I run into him 25 yrs later…he and I were going through (supposedly) the exact same life situation…bad marriage on the verge of divorce, unsympathetic spouse, pain, loneliness, etc. The only difference was his marriage was totally done (they had the talk, agreed on the date…as soon as she had finished her last college degree) and mine was not.

Dating this married guy started as him emailing and calling as ‘a dear old friend.’ He would tell me how much he prayed…how much he had changed. I was smitten. I believed in him 100% b/c I was desperate for the attention and the romance. I compromised everything I believed in. My marriage almost ended. Our two children were a mess, as I was in ‘heaven’ with this guy occupying almost every thought (can you say idolatry?). Things started to self destruct when that ‘odd feeling’ in my gut told me that he was a liar (like he used to be).
The date of his impending divorce came and went, and he started to get very snippy and defensive if I even so much as inquired about his wife or his divorce. The more I started to inquire, the more he started to back-track. He ended up totally throwing me under the bus. If my husband would have left me, I would now be living alone…probably without my children.

Like one other women said to me, trust your gut…ask the questions…if a guy gets ticked off, then he’s not the one (he’s also probably a liar and/or a narcissist).
If a guy really is Christian, he would not lead you to commit adultery, nor justify why he does it. There is NO justifying it. And if he’s doing it with you, he’ll do it TO you. I found out in my quest for answers that this guy has a problem with pornography, has girlfriends in at least 3 states, and is looking for more (and is STILL married). And yes, his wife knows about me. I doubt their marriage will survive, but that’s up to them (and God).

I know much of this is my own fault. I erroneously thought that somehow I was helping to lead this guy to the Lord, when in fact, he was leading me into the pit of hell. On the other hand, I am so BLESSED that my husband decided to stick in there with me. We are rebuilding our marriage and it is better than ever. For people who say that when the feeling is gone, your marriage is over, I say NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. That is a lie society has told us.

And for any of you contemplating any kind of relationship of any kind with a married man, I tell you this: RUN!! That is God’s word to “…run from sexual sin.” The reason is b/c it will tear your heart and soul to pieces. Also know that God gives us His Word to protect us, not for some twisted type of control used to keep us from really enjoying life as satan would have us believe. It is not o.k. for you to be friends either. That’s how it all starts….small compromises.

We all know that there are two paths in this world–the one of light and the one of darkness. There is no middle ground. Satan likes to convince us otherwise. Read your Bible people…it’s the best weapon against ‘the great deceiver’. And PRAY PRAY PRAY. Tell the guy to look you up if and when he actually does get a divorce (and I don’t just mean filing the papers). If it’s so ‘inevitable’ and ‘upcoming’, it shouldn’t take long. Even then, I would be extremely cautious. Make sure the guy’s lines (and actions) match up with scripture….that’s the real test.

Finally, what’s so bad being by yourself? Enjoy your “single hood”. You’re better off that way…and remember to “Seek first His Kingdom, and you will be given the desires of your heart.” That’s actually how I met my husband :). I finally had given up on dating…on finding a man myself. I gave it to God, and took a chance on a very nice man who wasn’t the “charmer” or the “bad boy” I usually dated (and was thinking I was missing out on something later on). But guess what? His heart makes him more and more attractive to me every day, and here is a man who would stay by me through anything….even adultery, and even though it took everything he had to stay. God bless him for that (I know He will!).

And praise be to God for delivering me from that horrible, deceitful situation and mindset, and for giving me another chance.

Thanks Tessa for sharing!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife

A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are:
(1) to be cherished,
(2) to be known and
(3) to be respected.

She Needs to be Cherished
“Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”
We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.
She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.
As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.
…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.
“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

She Needs to be Known
To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn't’t see it that way.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.
Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”
Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.
author unknown

Monday, May 18, 2009

Christian Men Who Make Stupid Dating Mistakes

Written by a guy.

Many Christian men, myself included, have made dating mistakes. But yo, Christian Men! Can we talk? A lot of you Christian Men out there keep making the same stupid dating mistakes. In fact, I’m really tired of single Christian men whining about not being able to meet any nice girls, when it’s their own goofs that are driving away the promising possibilities.
Our simple piece of dating advice is that many Christian men can avoid making dating mistakes in the future by simply learning what they are, and taking appropriate steps to sincerely change.
Christian Men Dating Mistakes to Avoid

Christian Men Mistake: Being Out Of Touch With Her Needs
Every woman has heart needs. Not understanding or caring about what Christan Girls Want in a Guy means you’re probably in the group of whiners we already spoke about. All I’ll say is: If you don’t know your playbook, how can you play?

Christian Men Mistake: Failing to Communicate Your True Feelings
Many guys, including Christian men, have a difficult time expressing their feeling. This happens for a variety of reasons. Some Christian men suffer from low self-esteem so their fears of rejection hold them from sharing their heart with a woman. Other Christian men never learned how to converse with the opposite sex.

Christian Men Mistake: Acting Too Meek and Needy
Can anybody say milquetoast? A whole lot of Christian men make this boo boo by over exaggerating their sense of Christian meekness in order to win a girl’s heart. Yeah, girls love sensitive guys, but not weasels who pander to their every whim as an over pleasing “yes man.”
By the way, the Biblical meaning of meekness actually means “controlled power”, the exact quality women find irresistible. For better or worse, most women are attracted to men who are perceived as being powerful. Ever wondered why a lot of good girls date bad guys? It’s connected to this phenomenon. Christian men, do you think you can strike a balance here somewhere?

Christian Men Mistake: Yacking About The Ex
My brother did this last week while we were having dinner with his new girlfriend. I tried to kick his leg under the table, but I missed. Bottom line: Nothing soaks the kindling flames of a budding romance more. Too much talk about the ex, and she may think you’re taking her as a rebound relationship.

Author unknown

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Love Shy Singles: How To Overcome Shyness

Are you one of those love-shy single who doesn’t date because you’re timid? Wish you knew how to overcome shyness? If you do, don’t be bashful about it because you’re in good company. According to Dr. Phillip Zimbardo, a Stanford psychologist, nearly 40% of singles are shy about asking someone out on a date.
A single person who is shy is often anxious (some have even been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder) or uneasy around the opposite sex and dating situations. Many shy singles wrongly get tabbed as being “stuck up” or weird, when in fact they are simply lacking in self-confidence and uncertain how to communicate their feelings.

Many feel a love-shy single’s self-consciousness over finding a date stems from being afraid of rejection, which sadly is one of the fears that keep women and men single.
If you are a love-shy single Christian who has struggled with timidity in dating relationships, the following tips may help you conquer and overcome being shy:

Tips on Overcoming Shyness

Address the Origin
Understanding why someone is shy makes it easier to treat and heal, both clinically and spiritually. Although some psychologists feel shyness has genetic and environmental causes, many singles can trace their bashfulness to one or more embarrassing incidents that utterly ruined their self worth.
Think about your own past. Were you a shy boy? A shy girl? A shy teen? Was there anything that happened in your childhood that made you withdraw? Talking about these experiences with a qualified Christian counselor and/or understanding pastor can foster healing.

Imitate How Others Do It
Take note of how other singles communicate with the opposite sex. How do they introduce themselves? What topics do they discuss? What kind of body language is going on? Knowing how to have good conversation starter skills can help a love-shy person break the ice.

Enjoy Mixed Company
A low pressure way for a shy person to meet other single men and women is by joining clubs where people have a shared common interest, such as sporting activities, reading clubs, christian singles groups, etc. In this type of environment, dating relationships can occur naturally.
Remember It’s Not About You
Understand that shyness is, ultimately, a whacky form of self-centeredness. Instead of keeping your eyes on yourself, worrying what other people are thinking, practice taking a proactive interest in them: Seek out what they think, how they feel, how you can make them feel comfortable and relaxed.
It may be difficult for a shy person at first, so if you need to, pray for boldness in this area. If you do this, you will see your social skills improving, and find it much easier to converse with and meet others.
When we take our eyes off of ourselves, we can do amazing things with God’s help. Remember, Peter walked on water as long as his eyes were not on his own fears.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

What Christian Single Girls Want

Again, this is written by the same guy.

What do Christian single girls look for in a single Christian guy when contemplating a soul mate or marriage partner? This question always seems to percolate in any singles groups I have ever attended or led. We found some online surveys about Christian single girls (ages 18-70) you may find quite interesting.
Okay guys, so you’re no babe magnet? Don’t worry about it because the good news here is that single Christian girls of all ages appear to put physical attraction behind four other qualities that you may have. If you don’t have any of these, you may want to consider becoming a eunuch.

Top Dating Qualities Christian Girls Want

Here are the top five qualities single Christian girls look for in a Christian single guy:

1. Christian single women want a guy who is passionate about his Lord. Nothing is more attractive to a single Christian girl than a guy who is in love with Jesus, and passionate about following Him. A guy sold out for Jesus lets the single Christian girl know that he is not afraid of big commitments as in, ahem…marriage. I can’t believe I just wrote the “M” word.

2. Christian single girls put a high value on a guy who can honestly share feelings. She wants to be able to trust that her potential husband is a man of his word, and faithful to her. It also doesn’t hurt that he is not afraid to cry while watching sad movies. Look, most of us have been burned by fakers and liars, and it hurts big time. For some of you guys who do have a problem in this area, I suggest listening to that old Billy Joel tune, Honesty, and doing a Bible word study on the word.

3. Christian single girls are attracted to a guy with a good sense of humor. Life has lots of bumps in the road, and a sense of humor will help her keep perspective on what is really important (Col. 3:1) when the going gets tough. Plus, these kind of folks are just fun to be around.

4. Single Christian girls are looking for a guy who can provide a stable environment. Translation: A single woman finds a man appealing who has a steady job and loving relationships with his immediate family members. This shows the single Christian girl that the guy is dependable, consistent and able to provide for a family. This issue of provision is extremely important for a any single woman looking for a mate. Look, we’re not talking Donald Trump here, okay? As my one Christian single girlfriend says, “If he has an operating driver’s license and a job, that’s good enough for me.”

5. Coming in at fifth place is the issue of physical attractiveness. Christian single girls relay that it’s important (but not most important) that they be somewhat physically attracted to the man they marry. In other words, when a single Christian girl looks upon you, she should find “something” appealing about you physically. You may not be a Brad Pitt, but you almost certainly have at least one feature that is above average in appearance.

Well, guys, there you have it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What Christian Guys Needs In A Wife

This is written by a guy.
I totally disagree with his order of what a man needs..I believe he is if not a baby Christian, then a teenager Christian. Majority of the men I know (good ones) want a Godly supportive wife, basically a Proverbs 31 woman THEN sex.....so I feel you guys with the order.

Most Christian single guys are familiar with the proverb: “Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing.” Amen! In fact, this is a main reason why many single Christian guys seek out online Christian Dating Services. Since the beginning of time, it’s been a good deal for a single man to have a wife. Remember, in Genesis the Lord said, “It’s not good for man to be alone. I will make him a suitable helpmate.” So when the average single Christian guy starts praying for a “suitable helpmate”, what are the top 3 qualities he actually needs?

Christian Guys’ Helpmate/Wife

I know I’m going to get in trouble in some circles for saying this, but the first thing a Christian guy needs in a wife is sex. Lots of sex. Why? Without sex two people cannot become one flesh. God created sex as a wonderful form of intimate communication for procreation and pleasure. He also put an intense desire in man to want to often make love to his wife. He thinks about it frequently, and may even write songs about it (see Song of Solomon). Ladies, the man who tells you he does not have a interest in sex is not practicing heart level communication, or is simply not normal.
Therefore, a suitable helpmate is one that understands her man’s God- created needs, and goes out of her way to satisfy them in godly ways. First Corinthians 7:5 implies that the husband (or wife for that matter) who is satisfied in the marital bedroom is less apt to be tempted elsewhere in other sinful ways.
In my profession and ministry, I cannot tell you how many marriages I saw destroyed on account of the woman under-estimating her husband’s need for sex and/or the husband’s lack of communication on the topic.

A second thing a Christian guy needs in a wife is for her to respect him (Ephesians 5:33). For some reason (I guess we can call it ego) man has this innate need for his wife to respect him, especially in the area of his being able to provide for and protect the family. A man will feel like a total failure if he is lacking in these areas.

If a husband is going through particularly difficult straights in his career and life (ie: job loss, health issues), the wife should take special care of his feelings during this time. When a Christian guy has the respect of his wife, he is energized and can soar to heights unknown. Without respect, his passion fades and he withdraws from life.

The top third quality a Christian guy needs in a wife is for her to encourage him, facilitating a safe haven from the storms of life. From folks like Ruth Graham to Laura Bush, this cliche holds true:”Behind every great man is a great woman.” This kind of woman will not have to worry about her husband wandering because she knows how to “make her house a home” in which her kids and husband love to be (Proverbs 31).

If you are a Christian woman reading this, you may be feeling like, “Hey, how about my needs in marriage?” Remember, the Christian husband is also called to be a helpmate, and to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

Okay, as a single Christian woman or man, you don’t presently have a suitable helpmate. That could be a bummer unless God has specifically gifted you for singleness. However, you can begin to prepare yourself and your future mate by taking some practical steps by faith:

  1. Pray for your future husband or wife on a daily basis, that God would bless them, and cultivate in them just the right qualities that will complement you.

  2. Pray for wisdom, guidance, purity and understanding as the Lord leads you in dating/courting relationships.

  3. Thank the Lord in advance that He will provide for all your needs (Phil 4:19; Psalms 37:4).

Author: Unknown

Monday, May 4, 2009

Rebound Relationships

What exactly is a rebound relationship or dating on the rebound? It’s an intense dating relationship that begins very soon after a long-term relationship goes south. As one experienced single person described it: “A rebound relationship is kinda like jumping from one moving train to another. There’s no time for thinking about what you are about to do. Rebound dating is both exciting and dangerous at the same time.” Now that sounds intense!

The fact is, rebound relationships get bad marks from most single women and men who have tried them. The reason is that instead of being that perfect medicine for mending a broken heart, most rebound relationships fail, and consequently cause more pain for both dating partners.
If you are in a rebound dating relationship now, or just thinking about entering one, consider the following dating advice tips in order to protect yourself:

Rebound Relationship Advice for Those Dating on the Rebound

Rebound Relationships Tip 1: Only Fools Rush In

Ending one relationship and rebounding immediately into the next one, is not healthy for you, or fair to the other person. The reason for this is that you need time to grieve and heal before truly being emotionally ready for a new person.
While it’s natural to feel vulnerable and needy immediately after a breakup or divorce, fight the temptation to rebound so quickly into a new dating situation. It may dull your pain, but slow your healing.
Instead, take this time to evaluate what went wrong in the previous relationship, and think about how you can improve yourself for the next.

Rebound Relationships Tip 2: Get Counsel and Accountability

Before taking the plunge into a rebound relationship, get wise counsel from people who know and love you, and who can keep you accountable to making sound judgements.
Unfortunately, people involved in rebound relationships often seek a “quick fix” for their pain and damaged self-esteem. This leaves the rebound dater open for sexual and emotional manipulation by unsavory types who actually prey on the broken hearted.
Another problem with dating on the rebound is that people who do this tend to seek out the same type of person in the previous relationship, which predictably ends with the same results. That’s why it’s important to have several people who can help keep you centered during your healing process.

Rebound Relationship Advice for the Person Dating the Rebounder

Know the Odds

If you’re looking for a long-term commitment, dating in a rebound relationship is definitely not the thing to do. We counsel against entering a dating relationship with someone you know who:

  • Has been out of their precious relationship less then a year
  • Has shown by their words and behavior that they are not over their previous relationship

If you are dating a rebounder as described above, the chances are great that you a just a “transitory” person. Once the rebounder in the rebound relationship emotionally heals, they usually end up leaving the other person.

Don’t Let your Guard Down

This is usually not good advice, especially if you are attempting to build an emotionally intimate friendship. However, for your own protection, take it very slow with the rebounder, honestly explaining to him or her that you do not want to be a rebound relationship statistic.
This will take lots of self-control because rebound daters are very needy people who will attempt to fill the void, and blunt the pain in their lives by getting real close, real soon. Don’t take the bait, and save yourself much pain.