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Friday, May 22, 2009

Dating A Married Man

Are you dating a married man, or just tempted to? And while wer’re on the subject, do you even know the signs you’re dating a married man? Tessa, a single Christian woman who was dating a married man, and lived to tell the whole sad story:
I found your web site while searching for healing. I fell in love with a man I knew (and previously dated) in high school. I had broken up with him 25 yrs ago b/c he cheated on me (I could never prove it, but I knew in my heart) and lied a lot. So….I run into him 25 yrs later…he and I were going through (supposedly) the exact same life situation…bad marriage on the verge of divorce, unsympathetic spouse, pain, loneliness, etc. The only difference was his marriage was totally done (they had the talk, agreed on the date…as soon as she had finished her last college degree) and mine was not.

Dating this married guy started as him emailing and calling as ‘a dear old friend.’ He would tell me how much he prayed…how much he had changed. I was smitten. I believed in him 100% b/c I was desperate for the attention and the romance. I compromised everything I believed in. My marriage almost ended. Our two children were a mess, as I was in ‘heaven’ with this guy occupying almost every thought (can you say idolatry?). Things started to self destruct when that ‘odd feeling’ in my gut told me that he was a liar (like he used to be).
The date of his impending divorce came and went, and he started to get very snippy and defensive if I even so much as inquired about his wife or his divorce. The more I started to inquire, the more he started to back-track. He ended up totally throwing me under the bus. If my husband would have left me, I would now be living alone…probably without my children.

Like one other women said to me, trust your gut…ask the questions…if a guy gets ticked off, then he’s not the one (he’s also probably a liar and/or a narcissist).
If a guy really is Christian, he would not lead you to commit adultery, nor justify why he does it. There is NO justifying it. And if he’s doing it with you, he’ll do it TO you. I found out in my quest for answers that this guy has a problem with pornography, has girlfriends in at least 3 states, and is looking for more (and is STILL married). And yes, his wife knows about me. I doubt their marriage will survive, but that’s up to them (and God).

I know much of this is my own fault. I erroneously thought that somehow I was helping to lead this guy to the Lord, when in fact, he was leading me into the pit of hell. On the other hand, I am so BLESSED that my husband decided to stick in there with me. We are rebuilding our marriage and it is better than ever. For people who say that when the feeling is gone, your marriage is over, I say NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD. That is a lie society has told us.

And for any of you contemplating any kind of relationship of any kind with a married man, I tell you this: RUN!! That is God’s word to “…run from sexual sin.” The reason is b/c it will tear your heart and soul to pieces. Also know that God gives us His Word to protect us, not for some twisted type of control used to keep us from really enjoying life as satan would have us believe. It is not o.k. for you to be friends either. That’s how it all starts….small compromises.

We all know that there are two paths in this world–the one of light and the one of darkness. There is no middle ground. Satan likes to convince us otherwise. Read your Bible people…it’s the best weapon against ‘the great deceiver’. And PRAY PRAY PRAY. Tell the guy to look you up if and when he actually does get a divorce (and I don’t just mean filing the papers). If it’s so ‘inevitable’ and ‘upcoming’, it shouldn’t take long. Even then, I would be extremely cautious. Make sure the guy’s lines (and actions) match up with scripture….that’s the real test.

Finally, what’s so bad being by yourself? Enjoy your “single hood”. You’re better off that way…and remember to “Seek first His Kingdom, and you will be given the desires of your heart.” That’s actually how I met my husband :). I finally had given up on dating…on finding a man myself. I gave it to God, and took a chance on a very nice man who wasn’t the “charmer” or the “bad boy” I usually dated (and was thinking I was missing out on something later on). But guess what? His heart makes him more and more attractive to me every day, and here is a man who would stay by me through anything….even adultery, and even though it took everything he had to stay. God bless him for that (I know He will!).

And praise be to God for delivering me from that horrible, deceitful situation and mindset, and for giving me another chance.

Thanks Tessa for sharing!


seye said...

Thanks for stopping by at my blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About me having daughters: Thank God there's room for asking God for desires...and they shall be granted!
Many people have also concluded that I'd have girls, just like you said. But I'd prove you wrong!

Danny BaGucci said...

WOW.. Nice post.... The criticality of asking questions can never be over emphasized......

simeone said...

thanks for sharing..

Lady A said...

@Seye,that was my 1st time leaving a comment, I'm a reader of yours. I'm willing to bet money on this having boys, lol.
@DannyBoy, asking questions is essential.
@Simeone, np.

Anonymous said...

Hey lady....I have to admit that yes Im one of those women that dated a married guy. Im trying so hard to work on this issue, Ive been tryin to let go but its hard. I think yesterday was a lesson taught for me. I just been sitting here chilling and thinking about all that "I" want out of life. I dont want this scenario to hit me back in the face...once Im married again

Olufunke said...

Very interesting,.....you are spot on here
Stolen waters can be sweet...but then the consequences are always too much.
Good one
More grace!

Lady A said...

@Oyin, yeah! Now's the time to "do you, and enjoy it."
@Olufunke, yeah, it's like forbidden fruit, thanks!