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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Get A Life of Your Own-Don't Borrow His

You are a whole, complete, fully assembled human being. All of your parts work-or you've learned to live with the ones that don't! Neither the man you love nor your relationship with him, give you an identity. You already have one. It has your name on it.
A loving relationship with a man should never mean you give up your unique personality. Who you are (and how you are) are much too important to let that happen. It's nice if he know this; it's vital that you do. Loving him doesn't mean losing you.
Think about it. What we all want out of love is to be fully known (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and fully accepted. Careful. Don't seek the rewards of approval and miss the rewards of love. Refuse to say, do or even think anything that is motivated solely by approval-seeking.
Imagine the Queen of Sheba abandoning her vast kingdom, or Nefertiti giving up her regal bearinhg, Harriet Tubman disposing of her courage, or Mary McLeod Bethune hiding her brilliance. How about Maya Angelou putting down her pen. That's not love at all, it's suicide! The women who love men are daughters of these "she-roes." Who you are is too much to lose.

  • lose touch with your own opinions, perspectives, and convictions. Declare them.

  • hold your unique personality hostage. Display it.

  • abandon your vision, goals, dreams. Pursue them.

Fear may tempt you to believe that unity and uniformity are synonymous. They are not. Uniformity is a unity counterfeit that requires one of you to forfeit your uniqueness in order to become acceptably similar to the other person.

Unity is the miracle of two very different individuals with dissimilar backgrounds, tastes, experiences, and personalities choosing to commune together. Two who not only accept their uniqueness, but celebrate it.

The man you love gains little when he has you, but not the things that make you, you. Love him enough to love yourself enough to be the best of who you are. Boldly offer your lover what you have already given a stamp of approval to-you.

Say it: "I am who I am. I don't have to be what I perceive he would approve of. That is a double-edged insult. Neither of us profits anything if I give up my life to gain his love."

Do it: Ask your most trusted and truthful sister-friends if they notice you being "less you" when you are with him, compared to when you are with them. Find out what parts of your speech, style, intellect, interest, or abilities have been safely locked away from his sight. Liberated them. If you've taken on his identity, or one he has fashioned for you-stop now. Return what you've borrowed of his. Get you life back!

Dr.Ronn Elmore

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Demand Respect-Model Self Respect

Respect isn't like parking tickets or taxes-nobody can be made to pay it. Request respect from where you want it and remove yourself from where you don't get it. You can only do that when you already have your self-respect.

Respecting you is not the same as bowing down and in worship before you. To respect you is to acknowledge your significance as a human being of the female variety and in every way to treat you accordingly. Respect is due you simply because you are.

Before you demand respect from others, you'll do well to already possess an accurate appraisal of your own self-worth and constantly demonstrate how much you believe it. Self-respect means treating yourself like a class act and accepting no less then that from others. You do that by the dignified way you carry yourself, the confidence and discretion in your speech and manner, and the obvious finesse with which you move toward people who respect you, and away from those who don't.

Men give you respect in direct proportion to the level of respect you show for yourself. If you have much, he is likely to show much. If you have a little, he'll show you a little. If you have none, he'll certainly match it. You have the power to help him discover that if it walks like a lady, talks like a lady, looks and acts like a lady, it is one...and she must be treated, in all ways, like one.

Dr. Ronn Elmore

Friday, June 19, 2009

How To Be Attractive Christian Woman

The average Christian woman does her best to be as attractive as possible. Unfortunately, many Christian women are under tremendous pressure to conform to the world’s standard of attractive, rather than what God’s word says is appealing.
The Christian Woman and Media Culture
Christian women are exposed to a constant media barrage of what the “perfect woman ” is supposed to look like. The only problem is that the portrayal of what a woman should be is artificial and unattainable. Ironically, many Christian women seeking to find a husband understand this situation, yet also attempt to live up to this unrealistic expectation. You can imagine that the Christian woman caught up in this way of thinking often ends up battling low self-esteem and depression.
Certainly nothing in the Bible precludes a Christian woman from making herself as feminine and appealing as possible. The key is balancing this God given and positive desire with what He says true beauty is all about. In today’s Bible verse of the day, Peter tells us that a Christian woman’s true beauty and attractiveness comes from the heart:
Bible Verse of Day
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”1 Peter 3:3
If you’re a single Christian woman hoping to marry a dedicated Christian man, remember he will be attracted more to your beautiful walk in the Lord, rather than your body. If he thinks otherwise, he’s simply not worth your time, nor the man of God the Lord is preparing for.
author unknown

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Oral Sex Part II & Anal Sex

A friend of mine was sharing with me what the Lord showed her concerning this matter. However, what I'm about to share, you and your spouse must still go before God and seek what is pleasing to the Father.

"It's a unclean act. Think about it. You are engaging your mouth on the most dirtiest part of the body. Let's be real. For women, blood, good, bad bacteria, yeast, urine just to mention some excrete from our vagina. For the husband to put all that in his mouth is not clean. That is an unclean area. For men, urine bacteria, and bathroom germs are on his penis. And his semen is not food. Your body is God's temple. you are defiling it when perform these acts. You are defiling God's mouth piece. Waste comes out of there with 100s of bacteria. Think of it as this. Would u want your child performing those oral acts. Picture them in your head you daughter or son engaging oral sex on the most dirtiest part of the spouse body. You will be yelling and screaming at them. That's fifthly! Now imagine them coming over to kiss you, yeck! So imagine how God feels. After we perform oral sex and then later pray or worship God, whether it's home or church. Yes, it's a sacrifice however you must be willing to sacrifice that area to God. That's not the God's way, that's the way of the world. Now kissing all over the body is fine."

Again, pray and seek God. He'll show you when you are ready to receive. TRUST me readers, I fought this and was trying to find every loop hole and excuse. I enjoy it orally, however, the Lord is showing me more and more. Not saying I totally quit, but I know how God feels about it and taking it day by day to do better and free of the world's way.

While I'm on the subject, let's talk about anal sex! I'm going to share with you guys what the Lord said to me years ago....Just common sense, you are hurting the body but at the time I didn't get it. Your anal was not design for that. I personally experienced extreme pain when using the bathroom and I clearly remember what the Lord said to me in the bathroom, "that is not My will, you are interrupting the function of how your anal is suppose to work." I would be unable to use the bathroom for a week and when I did I was bleeding to and when I saw the blood the Lord spoke again and said, "do u see that? How is that acceptable in my eyes?" "You are abusing My temple." Needless to say, the Lord didn't have to tell me twice. It's a very painful act, but I did it because of FEAR from the world and what naysayers said, "some husbands have cheated on their wives because the wife didn't allow him to do it in her anal. Or husband will got to prostitute so they can have anal sex. I heard the stories how good looking wives were cheated on because they wouldn't do the act. So that was always a fear of mine that hubby will cheat. So I allowed him...well guess what...he cheated anyway, hahahhahaha! Can't please man, so please GOD!

Yours truly,

Monday, June 15, 2009

What Is Not Okay In Bed

If you are a GWC reader, this was posted several weeks ago.

“If both partners agree, is anything taboo?” “What about the use of vibrators?” “Is oral sex okay?” [These are just a few questions that Christian women asked about the sexual relationship in marriage from a survey that the authors conducted.] But at the heart of each of these questions were two concerns: What does God prohibit in the sexual relationship between a husband and wife, and what does God permit?
We read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and compiled a list of every scriptural reference to sex. As we reviewed our list it became apparent that God gives tremendous sexual freedom within the marriage relationship. But God also sets forth some prohibitions that we must honor.
These are the ten things God forbids:

1. Fornication: Fornication is immoral sex. It comes from the Greek word porneia which means “unclean.” This broad term includes sexual intercourse outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Thessalonians 4:3), sleeping with your stepmother (1 Corinthians 5:1), sex with a prostitute (1 Corinthians 6:13, 1 Corinthians 6:15-16), and adultery (Matthew 5:32).

2. Adultery: Adultery, or sex with someone who is not your spouse, is a sin and was punishable in the Old Testament by death (Leviticus 21:10). In the New Testament, Jesus expanded adultery to mean not just physical acts, but emotional acts in the mind and heart (Matthew 5:28).

3. Homosexuality: The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or woman to have sex with a woman is detestable to God (Leviticus 18:22; Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:27; 1 Corinthians 6:9).

4. Impurity: These are several Greek words which are translated as “impurity.” To become “impure” (in Greek, molvno) can mean to lose one’s virginity (Revelation 14:4), or to become defiled, due to living out a secular and essentially pagan lifestyle 1 Corinthians 6:9, 2 Corinthians 7:1). The Greek word rupos often refers to moral uncleanness in general (Revelation 22:11).

5. Orgies: For a married couple to become involved in sex orgies with different couples is an obvious violation of (1), (2), and (4) and needs no discussion.

6. Prostitution: Prostitution, which is paying for sex, is morally wrong and condemned throughout Scripture (Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17, Proverbs 7:4-27).

7. Lustful passions: First, let us tell you what this does not mean. Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire a husband and wife have for one another. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person’s marriage partner (Mark 7:21-22, Ephesians 4:19).

8. Sodomy: In the Old Testament, sodomy refers to men lying with men. The English word means “Unnatural sexual intercourse, especially of one man with another or of a human being with an animal.” Unfortunately, some Christian teachers have erroneously equated sodomy with oral sex. In the Bible, sodomites refer to male homosexuals or temple prostitutes (both male and female). In contemporary usage, the term sodomy is sometimes used to describe anal intercourse between a man and woman. This is not the meaning of the biblical word.

9. Obscenity and coarse jokes: In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.” The Greek word for unwholesome is very descriptive and literally mans “rotten” or “decaying.” In Ephesians 5:4, the Bible warns us to avoid “silly talk” or, as it is called in some versions, “coarse jesting.” We have all been around people who can see a sexual connotation in some innocent phrase and then begin to snicker or laugh. This is wrong. However, this does not rule out appropriate sexual humor in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.

10. Incest: Incest, or sex with family members or relatives, is specifically forbidden in Scripture (Leviticus 18:7-18; Leviticus 20:11-21).
God leaves much in our sexual relationship with our husbands up to our discretion. In all likelihood, the questions tugging at the back of your mind were not even touched upon. When she read this list, Shelby commented: “It’s helpful to know what God says is wrong, but I still sometimes wonder if what my husband and I are doing is right. We have a great time together in bed, but every now and then, this nagging doubt comes—does God approve?”
To help you and all the Shelby’s, we will get more specific and address the questions we are constantly asked.

Clifford and Joyce Penner, in their excellent book The Gift of Sex, give this definition of oral sex: “Oral sex or oral stimulation is the stimulation of your partner’s genitals with your mouth, lips, and tongue. The man may stimulate the woman’s clitoris and the opening of the vagina with his tongue or the woman many pleasure the man’s penis with her mouth.” This sexual stimulation may or may not lead to orgasm for the husband and wife.
What does Scripture say about this sexual activity? Most theologians say the Scriptures are silent about oral-genital sex. Some believe two verses in the Song of Solomon may contain veiled references to oral sex. The first is Song of Solomon 2:3:
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,so is my beloved among the young men.In his shade I took great delight and sat down,and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
Throughout the Song of Solomon, the word fruit refers to the male genitals. In extra biblical literature, fruit is sometimes equated with the male genitals or with semen, so it is possible that here we have a faint and delicate reference to an oral genital caress.

The second possible veiled reference is found in Song of Solomon 4:16 (KJV):
Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south;blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out.Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.
These erotic words spoken by Solomon’s bride are at the culmination of a very sensuous love scene. Shulamith asks her husband to blow on her garden (a poetic reference used throughout the Song for the vagina) and cause its spices to flow out. Of course one cannot be certain, but it is possible Shulamith is inviting her husband to excite her by caressing her with his mouth. She then invites him to enter her and feast on the pleasures waiting in her “garden.”
Dr. Douglas Rosenau believes Scripture is silent on the topic of oral sex. “This does not make it right or wrong,” he says. A key emphasis in the New Testament is Christian liberty. Nothing is unclean in itself, says Paul (Romans 14:14), and this presumably includes sexual variety. Lewis Smedes, professor of theology at Fuller Seminary, amplifies Paul’s statement abut nothing being unclean.
Christian liberty sets us free from culturally invented “moral” taboos; and since there is no rule from heaven, it is likely that the only restraint is the feeling of the other person. For example, if one partner has guilt feelings about oral sex play, the Christian response of the other will be to honor the partner until they adjust their feelings. On the other hand, if the partner has only aesthetic reservations, and if these are rooted in some fixed idea that sex is little more than a necessary evil anyway, they have an obligation to be taught, tenderly and lovingly, of the joys of sex in the freedom of Christ.
In Intended for Pleasure, Dr. and Mrs. Ed Wheat says that oral sex is a matter that concerns only the husband and wife involved. If both find it enjoyable and pleasant, then it may properly fit into the couple’s lovemaking practices. One goal of lovemaking is to fill a treasure trove of memories with delightful love experiences that will quicken your responses during your future times together.
One minister’s wife blushes happily as she recalls a memo her husband sent requesting her presence for an urgent “appointment.”
RUN DON’T WALK! YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS EXCITING, DYNAMIC, RIPPING, SLEEP-DEFYING MEETING. Details follow: Would you like to have a meeting in the bathtub? (Loving massage and oral sex included.)
I love you,Your husband
One woman might feel horrified by the above playful interchange between a husband and wife. To her, oral sex is repulsive. Another may think the minister and his wife have a gloriously free, creative, and fun sexual relationship. She sees that oral sex adds a beautiful dimension to this couple’s lovemaking.
Before we go any further, let us clarify our intent in this chapter. Are we suggesting you incorporate oral sex into your love play? No. We are not making recommendations. Instead, our purpose is to set out for you what Scripture prohibits and to encourage you to seek God’s wisdom concerning His personal recommendations for your marriage.
Each couple is different. Each husband and wife is unique. Because Scripture is either silent —or veiled —concerning this practice, the only way to discover what God allows for you is for you to ask Him. If you’ve never talked to God about your sexual relationship, now is a good time to start. You will not shock God. Remember, sex was His idea. God is a God of wisdom (Daniel 2:20). He promises that when we lack wisdom, if we ask Him, He will give it to us (James 1:5).
As you seek God’s wisdom, you might find it helpful to ask these three questions about any sexual practice you and your husband are considering:

• Is it prohibited in Scripture? If not, we may assume it is permitted. “Everything is permissible for me,” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

• Is it beneficial? Does the practice in any way harm the husband or wife or hinder the sexual relationship? If so, it should be rejected. “Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial.” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

• Does it involve anyone else? Sexual activity is sanctioned by God for husband and wife only. If a sexual practice involves someone else or becomes public, it is wrong based on Hebrews 13:4, which warns us to keep the marriage bed undefiled.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Are Vibrators Permissible?

Some couples enjoy incorporating the use of sexual aids such as vibrators into their lovemaking. To find out if the use of vibrator is right or wrong, let’s apply the three questions. Is the use of a vibrator prohibited by Scripture? Is a vibrator beneficial in lovemaking? Does the use of a vibrator involve anyone else?

As we look at the list of ten prohibitions, we see that there is no scriptural reference that would prohibit the use of a vibrator. So if a vibrator enhances a couple’s lovemaking and is used exclusively for the couple’s private enjoyment, then it is permitted. Does this mean we are suggesting you run out and buy a vibrator? No. Again, we are not recommending any sexual practice. We are only trying to help you discern what is best in your marriage as you seek the wisdom of God.
Obviously videos did not exist during biblical times, so we will not find “Thou shalt not watch X-rated videos” in Scriptures. (The same is true for vibrators.) But as we read through the list of the ten prohibitions, a red flag is raised. In number two on the list, adultery is defined as “looking on a woman to lust” whether the woman (or man) is on a video, in a picture, or in the living flesh. Secondly, number four on the list describes impurity as “moral uncleanness.” X-rated would qualify as “morally unclean,” thereby making them something God would disdain.

Now let’s apply the questions:
• Are X-rated videos prohibited by Scripture? Yes, based on (2) and (4).
• Are X-rated videos beneficial? Anything that promotes “moral uncleanness” is not beneficial.
• Do X-rated videos involve someone else? Yes. You bring the man or woman on the video into your lovemaking.

Based on these answers, we could conclude that God wants us to stay away from X-rated videos.
We have considered three “gray areas,” oral sex, vibrators, and X-rated videos. There are many others. We encourage you and your husband to prayerfully seek God’s wisdom, study the list of ten prohibitions, and use the three questions to help you discern what to do in your specific situation.
As Christians we are simultaneously free and responsible. We are responsible to seek the best of the one we love, to think more highly of him and his desires than our own (Philippians 2:3-4). But we are also free to explore new territories of sexual delight.
According to Dr. Lewis Smedes, “The Christian word on trying out a sexual practice that is not prohibited in Scripture is ‘Try it. If you like it, it is morally good for you. And it may well be that in providing new delight to each other; you will be adventuring into deeper experiences of love.’”
God has given you great freedom in your sexual relationship with your husband. Remember His words to Solomon and Shulamith: “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers” (Song of Solomon 5:1).
When it comes to vibrators or anything, seek and ask God. My only personal problem with this was what and how I had to get sexual devices for my husband and I. My eyes were exposed to a lot of porn and even certain sex boutiques were totally inappropriate. Next thing you know, your curiosity is sparked up and now you could be introducing unclean/ungodly things in your bedroom. So again, seek and ask God. Somethings don't work for everybody. Love you guys!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

MEN: The First Year Of Marriage Is The Most Important!

Some men act as though their work is done the moment their bride says “I do.” It’s almost as though, on their wedding day, they take their to-do list and put a check mark next to “find a wife.” Then after the honeymoon, it’s back to work — and back to that to-do list—with many more battles to win and more check marks to make.
Perhaps the most interesting part of this phenomenon in men is that, at the same moment they’re feeling a sense of finality about their wedding day accomplishment, their brides are seeing it as just a beginning.

Choosing Not to Choose
An important single foundational assumption: Your marriage and your life are going to be a hundred times more satisfying, more resilient, and more prosperous if you intentionally develop the right habits in the first year—when the investment is fairly “inexpensive.”
If you undervalue this first year and develop bad habits, a solid marriage will be much more expensive to recover later on—or these habits may eventually destroy your marriage.

Time-Tested Principles
As you and I explore this first-year investment strategy, I want to unveil a treasure that is thousands of years old. Listen to this amazing piece of advice, tucked in the Old Testament between instructions on divorce and directions for the proper use of millstones when making a loan agreement (no kidding):
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
Although the prospects of such a thing may sound hilarious or outrageous to you, there are some interesting investment principles buried here that you’ll want to take seriously.

The Challenge Principle —”For one year”
Most guys love a contest. We gravitate toward the competitive. Well, here’s a huge challenge: If you want to have a great marriage, don’t do anything for a whole year except learn to love your wife.
I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking, “C’mon, be reasonable. I’ve got work to do. If I were to take a whole year off, I’d be fired from my job—and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.”
Don’t worry. I’m not advocating unemployment—just intentionality. Your job in your first year of marriage is to become an expert on one woman—your wife—and to learn, better than anyone else in the world, how to “bring her happiness.” And the Old Testament advice is to take one year, ONE WHOLE YEAR. A weekend seminar or a great book about marriage will not be enough—not even the standard five session premarital counseling commitment. There’s no other way to say it: It’s a big investment!

The Reciprocity Principle—”bring happiness to the wife he has married”
Chalk it off to our humanness, but most of us have this backwards. We’re eager for our wives to find ways to make us happy.
Early in our marriage my wife, Bobbie, said it to me this way: “I just want to know that, even though you’re busy, once in a while you stop and think about me.”
Okay, you might be thinking, but what should my wife do for me? That’s a fair question, but the answer is sobering. This Old Testament admonition says absolutely nothing about your wife’s job. She’s given no direction at all. But this is where the reciprocity part comes in. When you make her happiness your priority, your wife finds herself compelled to make you happy.
Doing everything you can do during this first year to make your wife happy is not just an unselfish act of martyrdom. Having a contented wife will make an immense difference in your own happiness.
The book of Proverbs affirms this idea with a touch of humor—in fact, these exact words appear twice in Proverbs: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”
Though it’s not always the case, unhappy, nagging, contentious, quarrelsome wives are often marred to overly busy, non-responsive, preoccupied, self-absorbed husbands. And, by trial and error, these wives have learned that the only way to get their husbands’ attention is to do something annoying.
Your challenge is to choose to pay more attention to your wife during this first year than you do to your neighbor’s new car or to the NCAA Final Four on television. And when you make this investment during the first year, your marriage will be far more satisfying for the rest of your life. It will be worth millions.
Decide to make the next twelve months the most important year of your life.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Never Compromise on Your Principles-Do Compromise on Your Practices

When you too easily abandon your own principles, you lack integrity. When you refuse to compromise on the way you practice your principles, you lack flexibility. Both lack of integrity and lack of flexibility work against a loving relationship.
Your principles are the morals and values that guide and govern your life. They are not so much about what you do, or how you do things. The are, very simply, about what you believe is right and wrong. They are your personal "nonnegotiable" for which you cannot sit down, shut up, or back off. For them you must take courage and stand your ground.
Your principles are as much representative of who you are as your fingerprints, you DNA, and your image in the mirror. When you compromise them you play the role of a person who has a different set of values than yours. It's an acting job for which you win no Oscar and receive no pay in a dram that never has a happy ending.

Flexibility, negotiation, and compromise are at the heart of loving relationships. Without them no real common ground can ever be established. An unwillingness to compromise on your practices, the way you do a thing in light of your principles, is rigid inflexibility. Actually, there are a million ways to do a thing right. n loving someone you must willingly and frequently employ negotiation and compromise to find common ground and make corporate decisions with your partner. It is the only way two very different human beings can live lovingly together.

Finding a way to compromise on how you put your principles into practice requires creativity, humility, and unwavering appreciation for each other's values. To allow for alteration of the way you do a thing is not only possible, it's crucial. It speaks highly of your commitment to join in making life choices that will work for the both of you, without violating the principles of either of you.

You must keep a tight focus on the principles that define who you are, and what you hold to be right. That's the integrity part of yourself. Since there is more than one way to do anything, you must remain open to compromising your way for the two of you to discover the way of the relationship.
Dr. Ronn Elmore

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Don't Make Him/Her Pay for How Other's Have Hurt You

It is absolutely impossible to love another human being without trusting him/her for something. Trust is woven into the very fabric of love.
Trust is counting on another's consistent willingness and ability to provide you the necessities that you treasure (support, respect, security, mutual affection, fairness, devotion). In the past, the one (s) you loved and trusted may not have given you that treasure, or they may have offered you some miserable substitute for it (such as rejection instead of support, abuse instead of respect, abandonment instead of concern). That is how you learned the gritty taste of pain in all its bitter flavors: disappointment, betrayal, victimization.

If you've ever loved deeply, you've trusted deeply. And, you're likely to have hurt deeply too. Old hurts can leave a constant, dull ache that perhaps you've "just learned to live with."

Examine yourself carefully. Are you:

  • Suspicious?
  • Jealous?
  • Pretending?
  • Hiding?
  • Isolating?
  • Withdrawing?

Is this the kind of treatment due the man/woman in your life now? Or is he/she being punished for the sins of another? Hold them accountable for how he/she is, not how someone else was.

Say it: "I have loved, trusted, and hurt. All of these are my emotions. I own them. I can recover and even grow from my hurt. I will not deny, justify, or defend punishing my partner for how others have hurt me in the past."

Do it: Apologize. Make amends, with no requirements on what kind of response he/she must give.

Dr. Ronn Elmore

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Overcoming Jealousy

Jealousy is one of the most destructive and painful emotions in a dating relationship or marriage. A jealous dater can think and do some wacky things he or she would not normally think of doing. That’s why overcoming jealousy when it crops up is so important.
Among Christian single couples, jealousy affects both traditional dating and courtship love relationships.

Just what does it mean to be jealous? Webster’s Dictionary rightly defines jealousy as a “fearfulness or wariness of being replaced by a rival.” In a dating or romantic relationship, this means the jealous girlfriend or jealous guy suspects there is a rival for the affection or attention of their partner. The object of the dater’s jealousy could be an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, (the most frequent complaint) or some other thing such as the person’s children, job or even the family dog. (Don’t laugh about the dog, I once had a Family Court case related to this issue)
The problem with jealousy is that there are several kinds, which can get a little confusing. For example, there is God’s jealousy (Exodus 20:5), which is always holy, just, and desirous of others’ wellbeing.

Then there is human jealousy, which often ends with disasterous results. Solomon writes of this kind in Song of Songs: “Jealousy is as cruel as the grave” (Sgs 8:6).
As sinners, we all need to learn how to cope with the human kind of jealousy, whether we experience it in our own hearts, or have others being jealous of us.

Most singles are able to control acting out their jealous impulses. However for others, overcoming jealousy is almost impossible without God’s help. This form of jealousy is pathological, and could lead to the crimes of passion we often read about in the newspapers, or see in movies.

As a single Christian seeking true love in a relationship, it’s very important for your own dating safety to know some “red flag” signs of a pathologically jealous person.

Red Flags of Jealousy Out of Control
-The dating or courtship partner continually accuses the other of being unfaithful when there is no basis for him or her to think this way.
-The jealous person checks phone bills, emails or the cell phone directory to check the partner’s records of communication. They may even forbid their romantic partner to speak with certain members of the opposite sex.
-The jealous dating partner forbids (ie: orders) the other single dater to wear certain things in public.
-The person with jealousy issues may go through the personal belongings of the other party looking for “evidence” of unfaithfulness
-The person with out-of-control jealousy may follow, or have one of their friends follow the other person to make sure they are being faithful. In extreme cases they may even ‘bug” the home using electronic equipment.
-The jealous party will keep tabs on their date by calling them constantly throughout the day. -They may give an excuse (”I just missed you”) as to why they are calling so frequently, but in fact are distrustful of them.
-The jealous person may want to be with the other person 24/7, and if the other single resists, there may be a physcial or emotional outburst.
-The jealous dating partner forces the other to give account of all their free time away from them.
-The person with pathological jealousy may threaten to do physical harm to themselves or to their dating partner.

If you are a single Christian in any kind dating relationship where one or more of the above jealousy red flags exist, we recommend:
-Lovingly communicating to your friend that they need professional help.
-Consider getting out of the relationship as soon as you can to ensure your own safety. While you may be tempted to stay in an effort to change them, or because the jealous partner may make an emotional promise of change, please don’t give in.

Overcoming Jealousy
Overcoming jealousy will be easier if you understand its origin. Ask yourself: “Do my feelings have a basis in fact (the behavior of the dating partner), or are they coming from my own insecurity?”
If there is actually something the other party is doing that is inciting you to be jealous, have a heart to heart discussion with them. Often, an honest exchange of feelings will solve the problem.
Understand that your jealous behavior may actually drive away your date, the very thing you feared might happen.

Monday, June 1, 2009

5 Keys to Attracting the Right Man or Woman to Date

There are several practical steps we can take in order to attract the right kind of man or woman to date.

Seek the Lord in Prayer
Yeah, I know we heard this all before, but really, God will hear your prayers, and provide for all of your needs (Phil. 4:19). I know some single Christians are frustrated because they have been praying for a mate, and nothing tangible has been happening. But please don’t give up hope for that special man or woman to date.
The Scriptures state that at just the right time God sent forth His son to save us. (Gal. 4:4). So, if God the Father gave us Jesus, will he not graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32). The answer to that question is a resounding YES! In the meantime, wait on God, and learn to have contentment as a single person.

Love (Accept) Yourself
Jesus told us to love others as we love ourselves. The bottom line is we can’t love others the way God wants (including your our date or mate) until we love ourselves.
Loving yourself has little to do with self-esteem, but all to do with “God-esteem.” What do I mean by that? It means looking at yourself the way God sees you. He says you were wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalms 139), and He thought well of enough of you to die for your sins while you were still a sinner (Romans 5:8).
So here’s my question for you? Can you love and accept yourself as God loves and accepts you, warts and all? If you do, this is a very attractive quality to the opposite sex. If you can’t accept yourself, potential dates will most likely be turned off as well.

Be the Real You
This means letting others see the real you, not the man or woman you think they want you to be. The reason you should just be yourself is that you want your date to want you just for being you. That way there’s no pressure to keep putting on an act. By the way, keep this in mind if you are writing an online dating profile. Remember, changing yourself to meet your date’s or mate’s criteria is not only stressful and dishonest, but it’s also a surefire way to doom a relationship.

Set Level Expectations
It’s good to make a list (with the help of family and friends who know you best) of the qualities you are looking for in a man or woman date, but just be realistic. I know many Christian singles who have remained single and lonely because they could never find anyone “good enough” for them. Do you get the picture?

Don’t Be Afraid of Rejection and Failure
The God you and I serve calls us to take faith-filled risks. Don’t allow fears to rule over your life. Trust Him to guide you in this area of your life, because you will never meet the right man or woman to date unless you take a chance by becoming vulnerable. Remember that most people, whether they are on a blind date or in a courtship relationship, have faced rejection at one time or another. The key is to trust God with your fears.