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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Don't Make Him/Her Pay for How Other's Have Hurt You

It is absolutely impossible to love another human being without trusting him/her for something. Trust is woven into the very fabric of love.
Trust is counting on another's consistent willingness and ability to provide you the necessities that you treasure (support, respect, security, mutual affection, fairness, devotion). In the past, the one (s) you loved and trusted may not have given you that treasure, or they may have offered you some miserable substitute for it (such as rejection instead of support, abuse instead of respect, abandonment instead of concern). That is how you learned the gritty taste of pain in all its bitter flavors: disappointment, betrayal, victimization.

If you've ever loved deeply, you've trusted deeply. And, you're likely to have hurt deeply too. Old hurts can leave a constant, dull ache that perhaps you've "just learned to live with."

Examine yourself carefully. Are you:

  • Suspicious?
  • Jealous?
  • Pretending?
  • Hiding?
  • Isolating?
  • Withdrawing?

Is this the kind of treatment due the man/woman in your life now? Or is he/she being punished for the sins of another? Hold them accountable for how he/she is, not how someone else was.

Say it: "I have loved, trusted, and hurt. All of these are my emotions. I own them. I can recover and even grow from my hurt. I will not deny, justify, or defend punishing my partner for how others have hurt me in the past."

Do it: Apologize. Make amends, with no requirements on what kind of response he/she must give.

Dr. Ronn Elmore


Oyin said...

you know you are soo sooo right. I have trust issues because of my past relationships and I want to have another man in my life but I dont know how I would be able to trust him at all.

I have someone in mind and I am really taking my time with him to assure that Im not going around to the same ol same ol. He is ...well we will talk.

StandTall-The Activist said...

You are right. There is no need carrying hurts of the past relationship into the new one. It makes you treat the other person the way he/she does not derserve.

I think it's better to heal before getting into another relationship

Lady A said...

@Oyin, sweetie you know you are not alone, heck, I'm married and sometimes I feel like I have reservations, but you just have to put your best foot forward! I need to interview him, lol, seriously..I'm pretty mean too, but if he is patience with me drilling him, then he just might be a "go".
@Stand Tall, you couldn't have said it better, "I think it's better to heal before getting into another relationship." That needs to be a law, lol.

StandTall-The Activist said...

It wont be bad {lol}