Don't Use Sex as Either a "Sample of" of a "Substitute for"

Somewhere along the way, the physical side of love has become like some sort of a multipurpose kitchen utensil ("useful for over one thousand purposes"). Some women use it as an introductory offer, allowing a man to try a free sample before he commits to the whole package. Others use sex as a substitute for talking out feelings, or working out problems. ("Let's not fight...let's just have sex!")

The quickest way to wear out a high-quality, simply terrific anything is to use it repeatedly for purposes for which it was not intended. Sex as a "sample of..." or a "substitute for..." are two such valueless uses. Whenever a good thing gets used for everything, it becomes good for nothing.

Sex is the very special expression of love between the two of you that says "I have deep and abiding commitment to you, and you to me, therefore I offer you all of me." Sex is because you already have love and commitment. It is not the tool to try to get it. That's why sex is at its best in a committed marriage.

Since men, by nature, highly value masterful performance, for some of them sex can become some kind of proving ground, where they attempt to get reassurance of their worth as a man. Sadly, they have substituted ego-building for love making. Since women, by nature, highly value harmonious and secure relationships, sex can be used to get reassuring "proof"
that an intimacy bond exists, when perhaps it doesn't at all.

Your body, and the pleasure of its company, should never be offered carelessly. It's not a free sample, a thirty-day trial, or an investment for future returns. It is never to be used as an acceptable alternative to solid, self-disclosing communication between the two of you.

Sex is not a "you get yours, I"ll get mine" thing. It's an "I have received love from you, therefore I want to give myself to you" thing. By making it other than that you make it less than that.

Say it: "Making love is not the means to an end, it is an end unto itself. I refuse to use sex as a flashy free sample of who I am, or a convenient substitute for work we need to do to help our love grow."

Dr. Ronn